Welcome everyone to another rip roaring edition of the Raw Deal pre-game show! As you can see, we still have that big old nasty stinking tax cheat the Mountie with us, but I have a feeling that things are going to change in a hurry!

Actually, no, you never said any of that. In fact, you’ve been dancing around the issue for months now, and quite frankly, I think your time is just about up.

How do you mean?! I am the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. If I wanted to, I could step back into the ring and win that belt back in a second. That’s the kind of greatness that pays for more than just taxes!

And let us not forget that he held the Intercontinental Title for about five seconds. I held that title for much longer in Dusty’s action figures wrestling league!

The show began with the opening montage, and Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler welcomed us to the show. Vince McMahon came down to the ring to start the show right proper. Vince was in a jubilant mood tonight, but that was not the case a couple weeks ago, where he wasn’t the least bit jubilant. That week, Triple H plastered his son Shane with the sledgehammer. Mr. McMahon was attempting to update us on his son’s condition, but had to interrupt himself to tell the fans to shut up, on account of how rude they were being. He said Shane has suffered a few migraines, but is otherwise on the path to recovery. McMahon then reminded us of how on last week’s show, the Spirit Squad all teamed up to destroy Shawn Michaels. McMahon said he wanted to have a word with Michaels, who was sitting at home recuperating. The fans started chanting asshole. “Shawn, do you hear what these people are calling you? Don’t let that bother you, Shawn.” McMahon suggested there would always be a place for Michaels in WWE, whether it be setting the ring up, being a time keeper, being a ring announcer, or what have you. Plenty of options there. Meanwhile, Triple H was supposed to hit Michaels with the sledgehammer last week, but instead served up some deep dish punishment on the Spirit Squad. McMahon was aghast at these happenings and wondered who Triple H thinks he is. A great competitor, to be sure. But someone who has been walking on thin ice lately, and who will be going one-on-one with Spirit Squad Kenny on this very show.

McMahon was about to wrap things up when he remembered that he still had to announce the addition of a new executive assistant for the show. See, it’s not really general manager. They use different words for different things. In any event, it’s Coach, who announced that John Cena would be in action on this show against an opponent he has never faced before. Coach said that while it would be Rob Van Dam vs. Cena at the ECW PPV, there’s also the Vengeance PPV in four weeks to worry about, so in order to determine the number one contender for the title for that show, it’s going to be Big Show vs. Edge on this show. Coach also promised that there would indeed be a title on the line on this very show, the Intercontinental Title to be exact, as Shelton Benjamin is to take on Kane. Coach then took the opportunity to kiss McMahon’s ass in the figurative sense of the term. McMahon ordered that he wanted to see Triple H in his office right away, and then ruled the Intercontinental Title match was to take place right then and there.

Kane attacked as soon as Benjamin hit the ring, but Benjamin reversed out of something and hit a right hand to no effect. Kane went back on the offensive, tossed Benjamin over the top rope and to the apron, and then gave him a big boot to remove him from the apron and place him on the arena floor.

We came back from break with footage of how Benjamin reversed things on the outside and rammed Kane’s face into the ringpost. Back to live time and Benjamin was working a chinlock, because that’s inevitably what happens in a Kane match. Kane powered his way out of it, but Benjamin hit a big kick to floor him once again. Kane sat up and hit a big boot and went to town on Benjamin. He hit a big time clothesline in the corner and then a sideslam. Ross kept using the word “high impact” describe Kane’s offense. Kane climbed to the high impact top rope and hit a high impact clothesline to high impact floor Benjamin. Kane then went for the chokeslam, but Benjamin countered out of it and rolled him up, using the ropes for added leverage, and got a two count. Moments later, Benjamin countered out of something again and hit a DDT and then a Stinger Splash in the corner. He went for another one, but Kane grabbed him by the neck and chokeslammed him down. And then… I hate my job. No, I don’t mean that. But I kind of do, because Kane started hearing the voices again. All the sudden, someone dressed as Kane from ’97 (complete with poofy hair and the old mask) walked down to the ring. (It was Freaking Deacon from Deep South. We’ll call him Freaking Kane from here on out.) With the hair as it was, it totally looked like Jushin Liger. In any event, Freaking Kane chokeslammed Kane, looked ridiculous with his hair all poofy like that, and then did the fire from all four corners thing and walked to the back.

We came back from break with a Paul Heyman voiceover, hyping up the ECW One Night Stand PPV. They then aired a replay of what I just described in the above paragraph, regarding Kane and Not Kane. Ross said it must have been like Kane was looking into his own soul or something. Lawler said 15,000 people were stunned.

Backstage, Coach was looking for Triple H to deliver the message. Carlito hadn’t seen him, and that would be the last we’ll see of our hero on this show. Just so you know. Armando Alejandro Estrada came onto the scene and told Coach to pass the word to Mr. McMahon that he would be willing to assist him in whatever way he wanted at any time. Coach said he’ll be sure to pass that along and then walked off. Viscera appeared out of nowhere and got in Estrada’s… backside, okay?... telling him that he wanted revenge on Umaga for what happened last week.

We then cut to McMahon’s office, and Coach must be a miracle worker and Hunter must be a decathlete or something, because in seconds we went from no one knowing where Triple H is, to Triple H being found and present in McMahon’s locker room. Or maybe I’m overthinking this. McMahon said that Hunter’s match against Kenny was now going to be a “Spirit-jack match,” with a member of the Spirit Squad at ringside in each corner. “Wow Vince, you’d do that for me?!” Hunter said he would destroy Kenny tonight, and if any of the other Spirit Squadders got in his way, he would use his sledgehammer on them as the great equalizer.

The announcers hyped up a debate for later in the show between Paul Heyman and Mick Foley, and then also plugged Edge vs. Big Show for the number one contendership.

Before the match could even start, Umaga jumped Viscera from behind and then gave him a modified DDT on the rampway. Umaga kicked at Viscera and tossed him back in the ring. They kept showing Lilian Garcia looking on at ringside with a concerned look on her face. Umaga entered the ring and the bell rang to start the match right proper. Umaga went up top and hit a big splash. Estrada snapped his cigar in two, which is the universal sign for “end this!” Umaga then hit the thumb spike, which dropped Viscera and enabled him to get the pinfall victory. Ross said that Lilian has a right to be concerned about the situation, which is to completely ignore the Las Vegas Incident, where Viscera dumped her for a pack of the Godfather’s hos, but I’m not sure I’m supposed to remember that, and so I don’t.

They aired a video package featuring Kane’s movie, “See No Evil.” See, Kane’s character, just like Kane himself, had a horrible childhood. Because the eyes are the window to the soul and can see sin, Kane rips the eyeballs out of his victims and keeps them in jars. Which I’m sure makes for a lovely conversation piece at dinner.

Victoria started things off with Phoenix and they traded some punches early on. Phoenix got the upper hand and hit a nice sideslam for a two count. Wilson tagged in and the faces hit some double team work. Wilson charged in and hit a clothesline in the corner. She jacked up her panties and gave Victoria a stinkface in the corner. Victoria took exception to this and took Wilson down by the hair. Candice tagged in and hit a splash off the second rope. Candice hit the Go Daddy elbow (okay?) for a two count. There were several near wardrobe malfunctions in this match. Phoenix tagged in and took Candice to town. She hit a kick to the gut and a gut wrench suplex. Victoria was kicked down to the floor onto Mickie James’ lap. Phoenix then hit a sitout slam on Candice for the pinfall victory.

The announcers hyped up Triple H vs. Kenny in a Spirit-jack match and John Cena vs. a mystery opponent that he has never faced before for later in the show.

Here we are at the midway point of this week’s show. As you can see, we are now a three-man team, and thank God for that because we happen to be tax cheat free now! Uh, Giant? What are you looking at?

Okay, let’s not talk about the show. You realize we’re going to have to replace Mountie eventually, and that means you may not be able to sit there full time.

Hey, G-Gonz! I know you’re accustomed to not contributing anything of any value anyway, but this is preposterous. The least you can do is face the camera while you’re spitting your nonsense.

Oooh, that’s right baby! Who better than the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, to take over the vacant spot on the Raw Deal show?! Things are about to pick up right now, baby! What about Candice Michelle and Victoria, huh? Those devilish, devilish women! I hope they get what’s coming to them sooner than later, baby. And in my humble opinion, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Triple H, The Game, The Cerebral Assassin, the King of Kings, if you weeeel… he’s going to be going to the pay window tonight, baby! Because the American Dream… is in the house!

They aired a commercial promoting the WWE vs. ECW special on USA, which is to air Wednesday, June 7. Then they showed a video package thanking the soldiers who had given their lives in battle to protect our freedoms, for Memorial Day.

Back to live time, Jerry Lawler was standing up with a live microphone. He was running down ECW and its wrestlers. He said Tazz used to be a tough guy and all that, but now he’s a joke cracking Jerry Lawler wannabe. He said ECW wasn’t anything but a second rate promotion and the fans didn’t really care about any of this, which was fun. Speaking of ECW, Rob Van Dam came out with his Money in the Bank briefcase and joined in with Ross and Lawler to commentate on the next match. “Couldn’t help but overhear you talking about ECW, Jerry!” He said Tazz was a tough guy back in the day, but at least he knew when it was time to step aside and head to the broadcast booth full time.

Cena started things off by punching Nitro down and whipping him hard into the turnbuckles. Nitro got out of the way of a charging Cena and then moments later hit a break dancing legdrop, right. Nitro hit some kicks and punches and dropped Cena in the corner. Nitro kicked away at him and then tossed him into the opposite corner, where he was able to hit a charging back elbow. Nitro hit a couple forearms to the back, but then Cena fought back. They traded punches until Cena hit a shoulder block and some clotheslines. Cena had things well in hand and pumped up the crowd. He informed Nitro that he couldn’t see him and then hit the five knuckle shuffle. Cena then successfully succeeded in hitting the F-U and then locked in the STF-U for the submission victory. Cena had a staredown with Van Dam, so Van Dam took off the headset and went to get a closer look. Van Dam got up on the apron and waved the briefcase at Cena to suggest he was going to take the title from him. Nitro charged at Cena from behind, but Cena side-stepped him and sent Nitro flying into Van Dam, knocking them both the arena floor. That was not so smooth.

We came back from break with Paul Heyman and Mick Foley standing face-to-face behind opposing podiums. Foley got the cheap pop and then talked about how on last week’s show, Heyman called him a prostitute. Foley said he was kind of guilty there, what with how everyone does something they don’t want to do in order to get ahead in their business. He said he had been able to trade in a low life pimp like Heyman for a millionaire pimp like Vince McMahon. He shifted his attention to the One Night Stand PPV, where he and Edge would be taking on Terry Funk and Tommy Dreamer. Foley ripped on the ECW locker room for smoking pot and being addicted to porn and such. Heyman pointed out that it would mean a lot more coming from someone who wasn’t a cheap Terry Funk rip-off. He then ripped on Foley for using Socko to entertain Mr. McMahon at the hospital. He wondered how many title shots Foley got before he pulled the sock out of his pants. Foley said he deserved credit for wandering out of his comfort zone and forging new ground in WWE. He said you left ECW as either a drunk, a drug addict, a criminal or a corpse, and he had the sense to get out of there before any of that happened to him. Heyman said he didn’t resent Foley at all; indeed, his problem lied with what Foley has become. More specifically, Foley has become a cheap shot taking, Lita hand smooching, Edge ass kissing whore. Heyman said he had a new vision for ECW that would include a whole lot more than barbed wire and man-on-woman violence. He said McMahon has granted him a draft pick for Raw and a draft pick for Smackdown. Foley said he knew who the draft pick from Raw was going to be: Rob Van Dam. As solid a choice as it is predictable. Foley suggested that Van Dam was a true high flyer, if you smell what he is cooking. Heyman pointed out that everyone already knew what was going to happen at the PPV: Van Dam wins the title and christens the belt the ECW World Title. The real intrigue lied with who the Smackdown draft choice. Foley figured it was going to be some second rate Foley rip-off artist. Heyman said that, quite the contrary, it was going to be someone to embody the new vision he has for ECW: Kurt Angle. Angle hit the ring and took Foley down, pounding away on him. Angle took the straps down and hit the Angle Slam on Foley, kicking him out of the ring. Angle said if Foley wanted at ECW, he would have to go through him.

They aired a WWE 24/7 “This Week In History” segment focusing on Andre the Giant, taking you through his career and talking about what made him so special.

The deal with this match is that the winner would get a World Title shot at the Vengeance PPV. Edge ducked and moved early on, hitting some quick strikes, but Show countered back with his size and power advantage and headbutted him down. He hushed the crowd and hit the skillet chop. He then did the same in a different corner. Edge laid prone in the ring and so Show decided to just stand on him for awhile. Show hit a big boot and went for the legdrop, but Lita grabbed his leg as he was bouncing off the ropes. Show maintained the offensive and Edge went for a bodypress, but Show caught him and gave him the snake eyes in the corner. Edge rolled to the outside to get a breather. Show grabbed him by the top of the head and pulled him back up on the apron, but Edge countered it by snapping his neck on the top rope. He went up top but Show caught him and tossed him off. Show charged at him in the corner, but Edge hit a sort of drop toehold to counter it. Edge hit a big time DDT on Show. The referee got knocked down in the chaos of Show attempting a chokeslam. Edge went outside and grabbed a chair but Show punched it out of his hands. Lita gave Show a low blow, so Show tossed her away. This distracted him long enough for Edge to hit a chairshot and the spear for the pinfall victory.

The Smackdown Rebound centered around Mysterio goading JBL into taking on a mystery opponent for the United States Title, who ended up being Bobby Lashley. Lashley won the match and the belt with a spear. Afterward, Layfield threw a fit in Teddy Long’s office and demanded a match against Mysterio. He said if he couldn’t beat Mysterio in a title match, he would quit Smackdown. Long agreed to the terms. Fast forward to the match, where Chavo Guerrero stopped JBL from using a chair on Mysterio, and so Chavo got the chairshot instead. Mysterio hit a low blow and a tornado DDT. He then hit the 6-1-9 and dropped the dime to keep his title and send JBL off.

Backstage, Triple H was walking to the ring with his sledgehammer when all the sudden he crossed paths with Mr. McMahon. McMahon said he wanted to wish Hunter luck. He marveled at the size of the sledgehammer and wondered aloud if this wasn’t the same sledgehammer that should have taken out Shawn Michaels but instead knocked out his son Shane. Vince said he had so much confidence in Hunter that he didn’t think he would need the sledgehammer, and so he walked off in the other direction with it.

Before the match, the other Spirit Squadders did a cheer in mid-ring introducing Kenny to the ring. They aired what happened on last week’s show, with the Squad members ganging up on Michaels and taking him out of action for the time being. Kenny charged at Hunter but Hunter cut him off with a right hand to start things off. Hunter rammed Kenny’s head into the turnbuckle and whipped him off the ropes but Kenny stopped short and went down to ringside for a powder. He caught Hunter coming in too close and snapped his neck over the ropes to take the offense. Hunter turned the tide quickly, however. Kenny went to the eyes and got in some right hands. Hunter missed a clothesline but connected with a high knee. Some of the Squad members distracted the ref, which allowed for others to try to get them some of Hunter. Hunter fought them all off outside and then ducked out of the way of a charging Kenny and sent him flying over the top rope and to the floor, leaving the Squad members to try to regroup as they cut to commercial break.

We came back from break with Hunter having things in his favor. He measured Kenny and floored him with a right hand. The Squad tried to have a meeting of the minds outside, but Hunter started taking them out one-by-one. However, the numbers game soon took effect and the Squad was able to mug Hunter on the outside. Back in the ring, Kenny got a two count. Kenny hit a flying back elbow for another two. With the ref distracted, some Squad members got in some cheap shots. Kenny charged at Hunter in the corner but he got out of the way and Kenny went shoulder-first into the ringpost. The ref was again distracted which allowed Johnny to hit a roundhouse front kick which enabled Kenny to garner a two count for himself. The ref was again distracted and the Squad members again mugged Hunter on the outside. Kenny imitated Shawn Michaels by warming up the band and going for a superkick, but Hunter countered out of that scenario and hit a DDT. Another ref distraction, another unfair advantage spot on Hunter, another two count. Kenny went to work on the heavily taped knee of Hunter. The Squad again distracted the ref, but Hunter countered out of this particular bit of cheating and Kenny got crotched on the top rope. Hunter got in a face buster and a clothesline. He punched away at Kenny in the corner but then Kenny got his boot up. Hunter immediately thereafter hit a spinebuster, though. He hit the kick to the gut and then took out all the Squad members as they were trying to interfere again. He then hit the pedigree on Kenny and got the pinfall victory because of it.

Afterward, the Squad members all hit the ring and jumped Hunter “like a pack of wolves,” as Ross put it. Hunter crawled to the outside for safety but the Squad members followed him out and continued dishing out their unique brand of punishment. They rammed his head into the announce desk a couple times (Mikey was great here, giving a big time “Ready? Okay!” cheer before doing it). They grabbed a chair and Hunter begged off but out of nowhere Hunter grabbed a second sledgehammer to help even the odds a bit. With momentum in Hunter’s favor, the Squad members headed for the hills. Vince McMahon then came out and congratulated Hunter for once again rising to the occasion. He then said there was going to be another challenge for Hunter next week. That being, Hunter should join the Kiss My Ass Club on next week’s show.

Oooh, that’s right baby! The American Dream is live and in public, if you weeel. This week’s edition of Monday Night Raw was nothing short of spectacular. I am really in awe at the athleticism put on display tonight by this great group of athletes. Who, I might add, could not beat the American Dream in his prime. But that’s another story. In any event, it’s great to be here baby, and I hope to be in the booth for a long time to come. Giant Gonzalez, I got a present for you baby! Now everybody, throw your elbows up!

5.5. Watching the main event match between Hunter and Spirit Squad Kenny really makes you wonder just how stupid WWE referees are. I mean, seriously, now. There were roughly 832 times during that match where the referee was distracted by some combination of Spirit Squad members, allowing some combination of the remaining members to attack Hunter with their numbers game unfair advantage. Maybe I’m overthinking things, because that sort of thing happens all the time in wrestling, but: a.) maybe it shouldn’t; b.) it was done so many times in that match, and c.) it was done so often, and it was so noticeable, that it kind of took me out of the match. If the referee can’t keep control of things at ringside, there should either be a ban on people hanging around at ringside, or else there should be another ref or refs put out there to help keep things in check. I don’t think it’s such a bad idea to run an angle where a former wrestler (DiBiase? Steamboat? Whoever…) is appointed as the special enforcer to be at ringside for such matches, just to keep things in line.

The ECW stuff was confusing. The fans didn’t seem to know whether they should be booing or cheering the ECW wrestlers and personalities. They seemed to want to cheer Foley, but he said a bunch of heelish things. And he’s with Edge and Lita and all that, so he’s definitely a heel right now. But the ECW guys are invading Raw on their own turf, and these are supposedly Raw fans who should hate the ECW distraction, and so maybe Heyman’s a heel, too. And Van Dam is typically a babyface, but he’s going to be taking on the babyface champion, Cena. But Cena, on the other hand, has been splitting crowds into a love-hate argument, so maybe he’s part-heel as well. What I’m saying is, the whole thing is ridiculously muddy right now. A Russo trademark.

The Kane double vision angle is interesting because it’s a logical extension (such as it can be) of everything else they’ve been doing lately, and it keeps Kane busy without having to be in the main event mix, and introduces (I guess) a new character to the mix. Freaking Kane didn’t really impress me on his first go-round, but the storyline is such that I’m intrigued to see where it goes from here. One could do a lot better than to be fired from Smackdown after your successful tag team has been broken up, only to immediately thereafter be placed on Raw and given a match with the World Champion. I’m not sure if this is “punishment” for Johnny Nitro, necessarily, but he exuded charisma and looked pretty impressive in his latest attempt at making a first impression.

This is cache, read story here